GOTH ROCK RULZ

Just going to jot down a few thoughts sticking with me after the episode.



EXT.- SOME SNOWY PLACE
HANNIBAL: Being tied up doesn't scare me in the least.
WILL: *whistles*
AUDIENCE: Oh my gosh, are the stray dogs pulling the rope? You're going to kill him with your DOGS?!
DIRE RAVENSTAG: Nope, just me.
WILL: Tighter, Black Bambi, tighter! *walks down length of rope as if he's using it as a lure*
HANNIBAL: Well, if you're going to use the Ravenstag, I'm just going to have to go full-out Wendigo.
WILL: Ravenstag crushes Wendigo!
AND IT DOES. PRETTY BLOOD SPATTER EVERYWHERE.

INT.- HANNIBAL'S LAIR OFFICE
HANNIBAL: Luv.
WILL: Luv.
HANNIBAL: Luv!
WILL: Luv!
HANNIBAL: LUV!!!!
WILL: LUV!!!!
AUDIENCE: Wow, the Hannigram is strong with this scene.
LATER ON . . .
WILL: Adapt. Evolve. Become.
PEOPLE THAT READ THE BOOKS: Become? As in BECOMING? Meep! *resists urge to hide under couch*
HANNIBAL: BTW, those books written about me? They were also made from people.

EXT. - BLOODY CRIME SCENE
WILL: *empathing* I have horns, I'm covered in blood, and I'm killing people with my contorted face.
AUDIENCE: That's possibly the most traumatizing visual yet. After the meat angels, that is.

EXT./INT. - WILL'S HOUSE
MARGOT VERGER: Hi, we talked before? Now we're gonna talk again.
WILL: Um . . . you can't just invite yourself in.
MARGOT VERGER: Yes I can, with the magic word. HANNIBAL.
WILL: Okay.
MARGOT VERGER: I tried to kill my brother.
WILL: I'm sure he had it coming, then.
MARGOT VERGER: Needless to say, I'm seriously messed up, and so are you. In your professional, seriously messed up opinion, how seriously messed up is Hannibal's approach? Hannibal's actually egging me on.
WILL: Take my word for it, his approach is seriously messed up. I tried to kill him.
MARGOT VERGER: Did he have it coming?
ENTIRE AUDIENCE: *squeals like a stuck pig*

INT. - SOME MENTAL ASYLUM?
WILL: Hi, broken sweet guy in whom I see reflections of myself. Can you use your animal empath skills to help me?
PETER BERNADONE: Bear. Wolf.
WILL: Hmmm. Guess that means I'm a wolf and Hannibal's a bear?

INT. - MUSEUM
HANNIBAL: FYI, people are going to come after you, my young apprentice.
RANDALL TIER: Guess that means I'm gonna go after somebody myself.
CUE TRANSITION!
RANDALL TIER: *looks through trees at Will's house*
AUDIENCE: NO NO NO NO NO NO.
BUSTER THE DOG: *runs into the woods*
AUDIENCE: *waves arms hysterically at TV*
WILL: *saves the injured doggie*
AUDIENCE: *is still very, very upset*
ONE HALF OF AUDIENCE: Um, shouldn't we be worried when we care more about dogs getting hurt than people?
OTHER HALF OF AUDIENCE: SHUT UP, IT'S A DOG! A DOG, I TELL YOU!!!
RANDALL TIER: *busts through a window in WILL's house*

INT. - HANNIBAL'S HOUSE
WILL: *throws a dead RANDALL on HANNIBAL's table* Once again, I have provided meat for your table.
HANNIBAL: Oh, Will, you shouldn't have!
WILL: I sicced my killer on you, and you sicced your killer on me. Now we're even. Even Steven.
HANNIBAL: And it was FUN! Let's do it again!
WILL: NO! Bad cannibal, no brisket.
HANNIBAL: Fine. Temporary truce. Well, guess I better start restocking my pantry . . .
WILL: I SAID NO BRISKET!

~*~*~*~

Okay, now I'm done. Off to tumblr to stare at pretty GIFs. :)

I wrote this spoof earlier this year, just for my own amusement. Later, I played with the idea of sharing it with other fans, but ended up shrinking from it, thinking my incomplete understanding of the FF games might trigger well-deserved nerd rage from readers who actually DO know about everything going on. ;)

But, after reading the Crisis Core commentary by rhoda_rants and seeing how gracious other fans were toward us poor befuddled newbies, I decided to try my luck. Enjoy!

FFVII:AC SPOOF SCRIPT

INT.- AND EXT.-ESTABLISHING SCENES—DAY & NIGHT

CUE: OBLIGATORY EPIC THEME MUSIC and PANORAMIC SHOTS of the MIDGAR AREA.

MARLENE: (V.O.) Hi. I'm adorable. Here's some pretty squiggly lines and an intro that will still leave non-gamers completely in the dark unless they study a Final Fantasy wiki for weeks on end.

( More lolz behind this portal . . .  )