gothrockrulz (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gothrockrulz) wrote2011-06-26 08:11 pm
gothrockrulz) wrote2011-06-26 08:11 pm
Entry tags:
Final Fantasy Advent Children Spoof Script
I wrote this spoof earlier this year, just for my own amusement. Later, I played with the idea of sharing it with other fans, but ended up shrinking from it, thinking my incomplete understanding of the FF games might trigger well-deserved nerd rage from readers who actually DO know about everything going on. ;)
But, after reading the Crisis Core commentary by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rhoda_rants and seeing how gracious other fans were toward us poor befuddled newbies, I decided to try my luck. Enjoy!
FFVII:AC SPOOF SCRIPT
INT.- AND EXT.-ESTABLISHING SCENES—DAY & NIGHT
CUE: OBLIGATORY EPIC THEME MUSIC and PANORAMIC SHOTS of the MIDGAR AREA.
MARLENE: (V.O.) Hi. I'm adorable. Here's some pretty squiggly lines and an intro that will still leave non-gamers completely in the dark unless they study a Final Fantasy wiki for weeks on end.
RENO and OTHER TURKS get into some VAGUE MISCHIEF.
AUDIENCE: Is this a cause for concern, or just another little catastrophe that comes from having Reno about?
RENO: Why does everybody look at me when things go haywire? WHY? And, sweet! I've got the first line of the movie.
AUDIENCE: Actually, Marlene got that.
RENO: First non-voice-over line, then. Picky, picky.
DENZEL is VERY ILL, and not even MARLENE's SUPER-LIMPID EYES can make him feel better.
TIFA: *looks around empty bar* Why do I have to run this place all by myself? Business seems slack, but still . . .
EXT.- RIDGE OVERLOOKING MIDGAR—DAY
CLOUD'S HAIR gets an EPIC WINDSWEPT CLOSE-UP.
CLOUD: . . .
FANGIRLS: OMG SQUEEEEEEEE!
CLOUD: No matter what I do, their reaction is the same. *listens wistfully to Tifa's voice on his phone*
AUDIENCE: Still unbelievably lonely, huh?
CLOUD: It's how I roll.
FANGIRLS: *flail*
THE DIRECTOR employs WEIRD CAMERA TRICKS to imply that WEIRD STUFF IS GOING ON.
CLOUD: *clutches his arm in pain*
FANGIRLS: The writers made Cloud sick, too? HOW DARE THEY!
FANGIRLS WHO ALSO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Isn't Mako poisoning in the past more than enough?
CLOUD puts on his goggles and goes rumbling about on his FENRIR BIKE for some UNKNOWN REASON.
CLOUD: Hello, I'm waiting for the first fight scene to charge up. Where's my antagonist?
THREE SEPHIROTH WANNABES appear on the RIDGE.
COSTUMEPLAYERS: *hyperventilate*
KADAJ kicks over the RUSTY BUSTER SWORD.
FANGIRLS, ESP. OF THE ZACK FAIR VARIETY: Die die die die die . . .
YAZOO: *flaunts long, sweeping hair*
FANGIRLS: DUDE! I want your shampoo. Now, please.
YAZOO: Why are we looking for Cloud? Why do we call him our big brother?
KADAJ: Because he's the main character, and we need to go after him.
LOZ: He doesn't look much older than us . . . I think I actually look more mature than he does.
KADAJ: No, you're just more manly. Also, mother. Mother, mother, mother.
LOZ: *sniff* Why are we teasing each other about crying? Why are we obsessed with our mom?
KADAJ: The crying stuff emphasizes that we're just babies compared to Cloud. And there's some overlying and underlying and side-seam themes with motherhood and childhood in this movie. And it probably makes more sense in Japanese than in these cryptic attempts at English lip-syncing.
LOZ: Bor-ing. Can we fight now?
KADAJ: Go ahead.
LOZ and YAZOO summon SHADOW CREEPERS and go after CLOUD.
YAZOO: Are you my mother?
CLOUD: . . .
LOZ: I wants my mommy!
CLOUD: Um, I have NO idea what you freaks are talking about. Even though Sephiroth used to talk just like that.
KADAJ: *answers his phone* No, you can NOT have my number. Stop calling me, jerkface! *hangs up* Okay, time to draw back for a reunion at the end of the movie . . . literally.
THE SEPHIROTH WANNBES split, even though they could have TOTALLY TAKEN CLOUD OUT.
INT.-HEALIN LODGE—DAY
RENO: HIYA! Take this, Cloud! Maybe if I humiliate you, your fangirls will switch loyalties!
CLOUD: *locks Reno out*
RENO: Fine. Score one for the boring, moody hero.
FANGIRLS: Did you say . . . BORING?!
RENO: Naw.
FANGIRLS: Good.
RUFUS: You fight like the S.O.L.D.I.E.R. you once claimed to be.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *happy, nostalgic sighs*
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Whuh?
RUFUS (continued): Cloud, I need a favor.
CLOUD: Well, I'm done with favors. I'm just a delivery boy now.
FANGIRLS: Mind delivering a box of chocolates and a bouquet of roses?
RUFUS: You're an ex-S.O.L.D.I.E.R., aren't you?
CLOUD: In my head.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Squeeee! More game references! MOAR!
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: WHUH?!
RUFUS: What if helping us will make the kids happy?
CLOUD: Dang, you got my weak spot.
RENO: Which weak spot? You're a tormented mass of weak spots.
CLOUD: Shut up. Now, Rufus, tell me something about Kadaj.
RUFUS: Too early to reveal anything besides the obvious.
CLOUD: See ya, then.
RENO: Lemme try the weak-spot approach. How about helping us bring Shinra back?
CLOUD: Forget it.
RUDE: Wrong weak spot, doofus.
INT.-MIDGAR CHURCH—DAY
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *imitating Zack Fair's voice* Mother?
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: What is it with you people?!
MARLENE: *finds Cloud's bandage*
TIFA: He hasn't bothered to tell me he's gonna die? Even if the Stigma doesn't kill him, I've got a mind to.
MARLENE: What?
TIFA: Never mind. Let's go home.
MARLENE: No. We'll wait here for him to drop out of the sky.
FANGIRLS: And we'll wait with you. We brought cookies!
INT.-HEALIN LODGE—DAY
KADAJ: *levels Rude and Reno*
RUFUS: Too bad Cloud didn't stick around to guard my bodyguards.
KADAJ: Spill the beans.
RUFUS: I offer a phony story in exchange for exposition.
KADAJ: Fine. I've wanted to rant for a while. We're gonna attack the planet with Jenova zombies, but we need Jenova for it to work. Simple enough, right?
RUFUS: Nope, I'm still confused.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Not as confused as we are. Is Cloud a zombie? He sure acts like one.
KADAJ: But, sir, surely you've noticed . . .
KADAJ kneels theatrically, like the DRAMA QUEEN that he is, and takes on the visage of SEPHIROTH, complete with CAT EYES.
SEPHIROTH FANGIRLS: SQUEEEE!!!
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Whuh?
RUFUS: That still doesn't answer my question, really.
EXT.-RIDGE WITH THE BUSTER SWORD—DAY
CLOUD: *sniff* Zack . . .
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *sob* Zaaaaaack . . .
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Who on earth is Zack?!
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *knock out the People Who Don't Know the Backstory* It's WHO IN MIDGAR is Zack, thank you very much!
CLOUD has WEIRD MOMENT, like KADAJ just did, complete with CAT EYES.
INT.-MIDGAR CHURCH—DAY
TIFA watches MARLENE act CUTE. LOZ shows up.
LOZ: Who wants to play?
TIFA: Scram, creep.
LOZ: I'm gonna tell Mommy how mean you are, once I find her.
MARLENE skidoos. TIFA proceeds to KICK LOZ'S BUTT in a LADYLIKE FASHION. LOZ resorts to GADGETS to take TIFA down.
MARLENE: *hits Loz with some Materia to save Tifa*
LOZ: Jackpot!
(LATER)
CLOUD finds TIFA lying in the flowers and runs to her.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Ack! Don't step on the flowers!
CLOUD'S STIGMA flares up again.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *wake up* Whuh? What's going on?
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Think of the Stigma as evil midi-chlorians attacking the host's body.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: We'll just give up on trying to figure this out.
The STIGMA gives CLOUD INTENSE SEPHIROTH FLASHBACKS. CLOUD passes out.
FANGIRLS: Good. We're not the only ones.
EVERYTHING becomes SHINING, OVEREXPOSED WHITE. TRIPPY, DRIPPY 80'S MUSIC plays sweetly.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Is Cloud high or something?
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *knock them out again*
EXT.-CLOUD & TIFA'S—TWILIGHT
CLOUD wakes up during an EXTREME CLOSE-UP of his MAKO-INFUSED BLUE EYES.
FANGIRLS: OMG I can see the pores of his skin!
CLOUD: Whuh?
RENO: Dang, you're heavy. By which I mean, you're FAT.
CLOUD: *winces*
FANGIRLS: *snarl*
RENO: What's more, you're careless. You lost your kids.
CLOUD: And I thought this couldn't get any worse . . .
RENO: Well, what're ya gonna to do?
CLOUD: *stares at Tifa*
RENO: Fine, Rude and me will do all the work.
EXT.-THE FORGOTTEN CITY—NIGHT
KADAJ: *absorbs some Materia*
INT.-CLOUD & TIFA'S AND A ROAD—NIGHT
A CONFUSING FLASHBACK SCENE ensues, cutting to and from the BEDROOM and the FENRIR BIKE.
TIFA: Why didn't you tell me you had the Stigma? Do you think you're better off cutting your ties with everyone?
CLOUD: Duh. Loners die alone.
TIFA: Dilly dally shilly shally.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: What? They use phrases from the '50's in Midgar? *duck from the fists of the People Who Know the Backstory*
RENO: Kadaj has the kids. What a revelation.
RUDE: Let's cut to the Forgotten City.
EXT.-THE FORGOTTEN CITY—DAY
DISTURBING MUSIC is VERY DISTURBING, actually.
KADAJ: *dramatizes* The planet is evil. The planet brings pain. The planet must die!
KIDS: How can a planet be evil?
KADAJ: Don't question my logic. Just drink the water that I stain an ominous black.
KIDS: Whatever. *drink the water*
Now DENZEL and the OTHER KIDS have CAT EYES, too. All except MARLENE, because she's just TOO ADORABLE.
EXT.-THE ROAD AND CLOUD'S SUB-CONSCIOUS—NIGHT AND OVEREXPOSED DAY
CLOUD gets yanked off the ROAD to a field of FLOWERS.
CLOUD: . . .
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Is he high again?
AERITH: Finally, I get some screen time.
FANGIRLS AND FANBOYS: Yay!
AERITH: So, Cloud, why are we in your sub-conscious?
CLOUD: I need forgiveness.
AERITH: Then forgive yourself, silly.
CLOUD: . . .
CLOUD gets yanked back to REALITY. Well, actually, it's still not REALITY, but boy, do WE WISH IT WAS.
THE SEPHRITOH WANNABES get CLOUD to CHARGE, then summon the CAT EYED KIDS. CLOUD veers to the side at the LAST SECOND and ends up lying on the ground WEAPONLESS.
KADAJ: See this man?
KIDS: What man?
KADAJ: The one that looks like an overgrown ten-year-old girl.
CLOUD: Speak for yourself.
The FIGHT SCENE BEGINS. IT'S AWESOME.
FANGIRLS AND FANBOYS: Ahhhh . . .
CLOUD, weakened by the STIGMA, falters. A RED CAPE spirits him away.
KADAJ: ARG! That's the second time I should've had him!
FANGIRLS: We feel your pain.
EXT.-FOREST OF GLOWING TREES—NIGHT
VINCENT explains about the STIGMA, but it's still CONFUSING, even for PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY.
FANGIRLS: Who cares? Vincent's cape is the best thing ever. Except for Cloud's hair, of course.
VINCENT: In case you haven't guessed, Cloud, Kadaj wants his “mommy,” Jenova. He'll probably bring Sephiroth back some way or another for a great big battle at the end, because FFVII just isn't FFVII without Sephiroth.
FANGIRLS: Amen!
CLOUD: Kadaj—what IS he?
VINCENT: I suspect he's a crazy evil Gackt fanboy, but I'll keep that to myself.
BUSHES rustle THREATENINGLY. MARLENE appears.
MARLENE: I want to talk to Tifa. NOW.
CLOUD: I lost my phone in the fight.
VINCENT: I'm too awesome for a phone.
CLOUD: But you're not too awesome to be a babysitter.
MARLENE: Stop shoving me off on other people! I need a daddy figure, even if he's about as much fun as Eeyore.
CLOUD: . . .
MARLENE: Fine. I'm huddling by Vincent instead.
CLOUD: Marlene, I can't fight with you here. Kadaj is immune to super-limpid eyes.
VINCENT: Your battle is more than just physical, bub.
CUE THE ENDING HALF OF THE CONFUSING FLASHBACK
CLOUD: Reno, Rude, you go pick up the kids. I'll go wring some more confusing lines from Rufus.
TIFA: Will you just man up already?! All you do is flash back to Zack and Aerith.
CLOUD: . . .
RENO: Go rescue your adopted kids, wuss.
RENO and RUDE leave.
TIFA: Which is it—a memory or us?
FANGIRLS WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *sigh*
CLOUD'S HAIR gets WINDSWEPT again as he FLASHES BACK briefly to AERITH.
FANGIRLS: *double sigh*
AERITH (V.O.): Then forgive yourself, silly.
CLOUD: Vincent, do you think it's about time for me to reach my emotional victory?
VINCENT: Almost.
CLOUD: Okay, I'll take the first step. I'll spend some quality time with Marlene as I take her home, and then I'm going to end these shenanigans.
MARLENE: Yay!
FANGIRLS: *are jealous*
INT.-RANDOM, VERY DEEP PUDDLE—NIGHT
CLOUD'S PHONE sinks through the WATER. TRIPPY, DRIPPY '80'S MUSIC comes back.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Oh, great, now even Cloud's phone is high. What is IN the water in this movie?
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: You do know the Lifestream's power comes from the memories of the deceased, don't you?
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Whuh?
EXT.-MONUMENT IN EDGE—DAY
LOZ, YAZOO, and the CAT EYED KIDS surround a MONUMENT. An ANGRY MOB yells at them.
YAZOO: Hmm, this place needs more noise. *summons shadow creepers*
SHADOW CREEPERS wreak havoc. NOBODY cares, though, until TIFA appears.
AUDIENCE: Where did she come from? How'd she know . . . oh, never mind. The angry mob probably gave her a clue.
TIFA: Denzel! What's wrong?
DENZEL: . . .
LOZ and YAZOO fool around with CHAINS until RENO and RUDE appear.
RENO: I think a little Subordinate Good Guys vs. Subordinate Bad Guys is in order.
YAZOO: Well, we have nothing else to do. Allow me to open the conflict with a insult to your credibility.
RENO: HIYA!
EXT.-INT.-BUILDING IN EDGE—DAY
RUFUS: Shall we talk about Sephiroth while a flashback reel plays?
KADAJ: Sure. We all know he's got to pop up sometime in this movie. I'm kinda jealous of him. Mom likes him the best. But, whatever happens, it doesn't matter. In the end, we win, you lose.
RUFUS: You mean, WE win, YOU lose.
KADAJ: We'll see. *summons BAHMUT SIN*
EXT.-MONUMENT IN EDGE—DAY
More HAVOC ensues. Meanwhile, RENO, RUDE, YAZOO, and LOZ exchange some rather LAME LINES as they BATTLE.
RUDE: Yo mamma's fat.
YAZOO: How dare you, sir!
TIFA is OUT COLD. DENZEL is furious and tries to attack BAHMUT SIN alone.
MORE GAME CHARACTERS step in to SAVE THE DAY.
VINCENT: Perhaps I'm not too awesome for a phone . . .
CLOUD comes in last.
CLOUD: I feel lighter. Maybe I lost some weight, with all that dilly-dallying.
TIFA: You shut yourself away so people wouldn't know that you went on a diet because you felt fat? Sheesh!
CLOUD: Run along home to Marlene, Denzel. Mommy and Daddy have to go kick butt now.
DENZEL: *scampers away almost as adorably as Marlene would*
TIFA hops on the FENRIR BIKE behind CLOUD.
FANGIRLS: *are very jealous*
THE COLLECTED GOOD GUYS OF FFVII battle BAHMUT SIN.
EXT.-INT.-RANDOM BUILDING IN EDGE—DAY
KADAJ: Now what?
RUFUS: I reveal that Jenova has been sitting in my lap the entire time. Literally.
KADAJ: ARG!!!
CUE INTERCUTTING
One by one, CLOUD'S FRIENDS propel him on his flight to TAKE OUT BAHMUT SIN. It's TOUCHING and FUNNY at the SAME TIME.
KADAJ causes RUFUS to fall, then JUMPS after him.
CLOUD, spiky bundle of GREASED LIGHTNING that he is, already rides his FENRIR BIKE for KADAJ.
KADAJ somehow passes RUFUS in the AIR and grabs the JENOVA BOX. He lands GRACEFULLY without ANY BRUISES and spots CLOUD through DOZENS OF RANDOM PEOPLE. THE THREE SEPHIROTH WANNABES ride away.
THE TURKS, busy with saving RUFUS, do NOTHING to STOP THEM.
EXT.-HIGHWAYS OF EDGE—DAY
CLOUD battles YAZOO and LOZ, then leaves them behind in a tunnel.
EXT.-MOUTH OF THE TUNNEL—DAY
RENO: Hey, Rude, do you think the fangirls will like me more than Cloud if I talk slow, smooth, half-casual, half-provocative, like this?
RUDE: Naw, they'll just think you're flirting with me. Blegh. So shut up.
RENO: C'mon, Rude, cut me some slack. EVERY line in this movie could be construed as flirty.
RUDE: Yeah, right.
RENO: Example #1—“But sir, surely you've noticed . . .”
RUDE: That's just Kadaj.
RENO: Example #2—“Oho, where did you get this strength?”
RUDE: Hey, that one hasn't been said yet!
RENO: Whoops. Anyhow, you get my point.
RUDE: No.
RENO: Drat. What's a guy gotta do to get some respect? Speaking of the devil . . .
CLOUD zooms by on his FENRIR BIKE.
RENO: Maybe I should get one of those. That might work!
RUDE: Stick to wrecking helicopters.
RENO: How about blowing up Yazoo and Loz?
BOOM!
INT.-MIDGAR CHURCH—DAY
KADAJ crushes HUNDREDS OF FLOWERS with his BIKE.
KADAJ: Finally, I get to see my mother's face—what? Just a pile of goo?! *screams in agony*
AUDIENCE: What was he expecting to find in that glorified shoe box—a Barbie doll?
CLOUD shows up, along with some HEAVY MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC.
KADAJ zaps stuff left and right. CLOUD'S STIGMA flares up yet again.
AERITH causes the WATER to HEAL CLOUD and DRIVE KADAJ OFF.
AERITH: There, sweetie. Now the odds are even. Except for a little dip in your favor.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Why doesn't she just save the day already, if she's so powerful?
PEOPLE WHO DO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: That's . . . actually a pretty good question. But this is Cloud's story, so . . .
EXT.-DILAPIDATED OLD SHINRA BUILDING—DAY
KADAJ: Brother, I'm with her at last!
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Genesis Rhapsodos flashbacks!
CLOUD: So what's gonna happen now?
KADAJ: Duh, Sephiroth's gonna show up! But, in the meantime, we'll have it out for a while. Sound good?
CLOUD: You're just a pawn.
KADAJ: Once upon a time . . . you were, too!
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: MOAR references! We can't get enough!
ANOTHER FIGHT SCENE ensues—the AWESOMEST YET.
CLOUD'S FRIENDS show up.
YUFFIE: Yay, let's go help Cloud kick butt!
VINCENT: Kadaj is going to become Sephiroth. That's Cloud's turf, and Cloud's turf alone.
YUFFIE: So, we can help him defeat Bahmut, but not Sephiroth? Even though he's the most dangerously awesome thing around?
VINCENT: That's right.
TIFA: I think Cloud is actually enjoying this.
CLOUD pauses fighting to smile ever so briefly.
FANGIRLS: ZOMG NO WAY!
KADAJ finds himself hanging beneath CLOUD'S FEET, WEAPONLESS. He throws the JENOVA BOX and leaps after it.
KADAJ: I'll just hand the reigns over to His Awesomeness now.
CLOUD: And I'll just watch in frozen horror and do nothing until the last second.
FINALLY, CLOUD leaps after KADAJ. He tries to bash KADAJ to pieces—only to be blocked by SEPHIROTH.
CUE ONE-WINGED ANGEL THEME
SEPHIROTH FANGIRLS: HE HAS RETURNED!!! O, Sephiroth! Our love for you burns like a thousand harbingers of death!
CLOUD: Before we fight, clarify why you're here for me.
SEPHIROTH: I want the planet and everybody on it that's less awesome than me dead. Simple enough, right? *darkens the sky so the movie's coloring is appropriately grey and bleak*
CLOUD: I had a feeling you'd say that.
The FIGHT THAT EVERYBODY'S BEEN WAITING FOR begins. It's JUST AS AWESOME as they'd HOPED.
FANGIRLS: We would swoon a thousand times over, but we're just too excited.
SEPHIROTH: Oho, where'd you find THIS strength?
RENO (V.O.): See?!
RUDE (V.O.): Shut up.
SEPHIROTH: I'll tell you what, Cloud. How about I make you even more depressed and tortured than you already are?
CLOUD: I really don't think that's possible.
SEPHIROTH: It is if I make you kneel.
CLOUD: That's no so bad, actually. I've endured worse.
SEPHIROTH: Then feel free to endure an avalanche of rubble. *hacks off a huge portion of a tower*
CLOUD and his GRAVITY-DEFYING HAIR survives, but though CLOUD'S HAIR is UNSCATHED, CLOUD is not. He flounders as best he can, but SEPHIROTH skewers him in the SHOULDER.
SEPHIROTH: First, I'll take away all that you hold dear. Then I'll take your miserable little life. Sound good?
CLOUD sees MOTIVATIONAL FLASHBACKS and breaks free in a BURST OF FURY.
CUE OMNISLASH VERSION 6.
CLOUD FANGIRLS: WOOHOO!!!
SEPHIROTH FANGIRLS: WAAAAA!!!
CLOUD: Now, you will only exist in flashback form.
SEPHIROTH: In your dreams.
SEPHRITOH wraps himself in his ONE WING and dissolves back into KADAJ. KADAJ flounders pitifully. CLOUD props his head up as RAIN begins to fall.
AERITH (V.O.): Hey, Kadaj, there's room for one more at the party here. Wherever here is.
KADAJ: Mommy! Finally!
KADAJ dissolves into SPARKLIES.
CLOUD: He gets to be with Aerith, and I don't?
YAZOO: Loz and I can fix that. *shoots Cloud*
CLOUD charges YAZOO and LOZ, only to be obscured by an EXPLOSION. CLOUD'S FRIENDS freak out.
EXT. (OR INT.?)-VAGUE WHITENESS—DAY?
CLOUD: Mom?
AERITH: Gosh, does NOBODY have a proper Mother figure on this planet?
ZACK: I'm not sure I like Cloud calling you his mama.
AERITH: This one's a little too big to adopt.
ZACK: What, he's only 5'3'' or so. Um . . . did you say we're ADOPTING them all?
AERITH: Yes, silly.
ZACK: Boy oh boy.
AERITH: See you later, Cloud.
ZACK: Try not to feel bad about getting kicked out of Final Fantasy heaven. It's nothing personal; you're just too emo for paradise.
A RANDOM, UNEXPLAINED WOLF pops up for about the 4th or 5th time.
AUDIENCE: The writers are just messing with us, aren't they?
INT.-MIDGAR CHURCH—DAY
CLOUD wakes up, suspended in WATER and surround by CHILDREN. In a ceremony vaguely similar to BAPTISM, CLOUD heals DENZEL and the other CAT EYED KIDS.
DENZEL sees his BLONDE REFLECTION in the water. CLOUD nods.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Living legacy . . . *cry gallons of tears*
CLOUD spots AERITH and ZACK.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Awwww . . . *cry rivers of tears*
CLOUD: *smiles again*
FANGIRLS: ZOMG THE MIRACLE OCCURS A SECOND TIME!
THE MOVIE ends.
FANGIRLS: Already? *cry oceans of tears*
* * *
There. It is done. What do you think? Which line was the funniest? I need help deciding, because I can't possibly pick a favorite, myself, even thought I wrote it. Maybe it's because I wrote it. Hmmm . . .
But, after reading the Crisis Core commentary by
rhoda_rants and seeing how gracious other fans were toward us poor befuddled newbies, I decided to try my luck. Enjoy!FFVII:AC SPOOF SCRIPT
INT.- AND EXT.-ESTABLISHING SCENES—DAY & NIGHT
CUE: OBLIGATORY EPIC THEME MUSIC and PANORAMIC SHOTS of the MIDGAR AREA.
MARLENE: (V.O.) Hi. I'm adorable. Here's some pretty squiggly lines and an intro that will still leave non-gamers completely in the dark unless they study a Final Fantasy wiki for weeks on end.
RENO and OTHER TURKS get into some VAGUE MISCHIEF.
AUDIENCE: Is this a cause for concern, or just another little catastrophe that comes from having Reno about?
RENO: Why does everybody look at me when things go haywire? WHY? And, sweet! I've got the first line of the movie.
AUDIENCE: Actually, Marlene got that.
RENO: First non-voice-over line, then. Picky, picky.
DENZEL is VERY ILL, and not even MARLENE's SUPER-LIMPID EYES can make him feel better.
TIFA: *looks around empty bar* Why do I have to run this place all by myself? Business seems slack, but still . . .
EXT.- RIDGE OVERLOOKING MIDGAR—DAY
CLOUD'S HAIR gets an EPIC WINDSWEPT CLOSE-UP.
CLOUD: . . .
FANGIRLS: OMG SQUEEEEEEEE!
CLOUD: No matter what I do, their reaction is the same. *listens wistfully to Tifa's voice on his phone*
AUDIENCE: Still unbelievably lonely, huh?
CLOUD: It's how I roll.
FANGIRLS: *flail*
THE DIRECTOR employs WEIRD CAMERA TRICKS to imply that WEIRD STUFF IS GOING ON.
CLOUD: *clutches his arm in pain*
FANGIRLS: The writers made Cloud sick, too? HOW DARE THEY!
FANGIRLS WHO ALSO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Isn't Mako poisoning in the past more than enough?
CLOUD puts on his goggles and goes rumbling about on his FENRIR BIKE for some UNKNOWN REASON.
CLOUD: Hello, I'm waiting for the first fight scene to charge up. Where's my antagonist?
THREE SEPHIROTH WANNABES appear on the RIDGE.
COSTUMEPLAYERS: *hyperventilate*
KADAJ kicks over the RUSTY BUSTER SWORD.
FANGIRLS, ESP. OF THE ZACK FAIR VARIETY: Die die die die die . . .
YAZOO: *flaunts long, sweeping hair*
FANGIRLS: DUDE! I want your shampoo. Now, please.
YAZOO: Why are we looking for Cloud? Why do we call him our big brother?
KADAJ: Because he's the main character, and we need to go after him.
LOZ: He doesn't look much older than us . . . I think I actually look more mature than he does.
KADAJ: No, you're just more manly. Also, mother. Mother, mother, mother.
LOZ: *sniff* Why are we teasing each other about crying? Why are we obsessed with our mom?
KADAJ: The crying stuff emphasizes that we're just babies compared to Cloud. And there's some overlying and underlying and side-seam themes with motherhood and childhood in this movie. And it probably makes more sense in Japanese than in these cryptic attempts at English lip-syncing.
LOZ: Bor-ing. Can we fight now?
KADAJ: Go ahead.
LOZ and YAZOO summon SHADOW CREEPERS and go after CLOUD.
YAZOO: Are you my mother?
CLOUD: . . .
LOZ: I wants my mommy!
CLOUD: Um, I have NO idea what you freaks are talking about. Even though Sephiroth used to talk just like that.
KADAJ: *answers his phone* No, you can NOT have my number. Stop calling me, jerkface! *hangs up* Okay, time to draw back for a reunion at the end of the movie . . . literally.
THE SEPHIROTH WANNBES split, even though they could have TOTALLY TAKEN CLOUD OUT.
INT.-HEALIN LODGE—DAY
RENO: HIYA! Take this, Cloud! Maybe if I humiliate you, your fangirls will switch loyalties!
CLOUD: *locks Reno out*
RENO: Fine. Score one for the boring, moody hero.
FANGIRLS: Did you say . . . BORING?!
RENO: Naw.
FANGIRLS: Good.
RUFUS: You fight like the S.O.L.D.I.E.R. you once claimed to be.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *happy, nostalgic sighs*
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Whuh?
RUFUS (continued): Cloud, I need a favor.
CLOUD: Well, I'm done with favors. I'm just a delivery boy now.
FANGIRLS: Mind delivering a box of chocolates and a bouquet of roses?
RUFUS: You're an ex-S.O.L.D.I.E.R., aren't you?
CLOUD: In my head.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Squeeee! More game references! MOAR!
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: WHUH?!
RUFUS: What if helping us will make the kids happy?
CLOUD: Dang, you got my weak spot.
RENO: Which weak spot? You're a tormented mass of weak spots.
CLOUD: Shut up. Now, Rufus, tell me something about Kadaj.
RUFUS: Too early to reveal anything besides the obvious.
CLOUD: See ya, then.
RENO: Lemme try the weak-spot approach. How about helping us bring Shinra back?
CLOUD: Forget it.
RUDE: Wrong weak spot, doofus.
INT.-MIDGAR CHURCH—DAY
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *imitating Zack Fair's voice* Mother?
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: What is it with you people?!
MARLENE: *finds Cloud's bandage*
TIFA: He hasn't bothered to tell me he's gonna die? Even if the Stigma doesn't kill him, I've got a mind to.
MARLENE: What?
TIFA: Never mind. Let's go home.
MARLENE: No. We'll wait here for him to drop out of the sky.
FANGIRLS: And we'll wait with you. We brought cookies!
INT.-HEALIN LODGE—DAY
KADAJ: *levels Rude and Reno*
RUFUS: Too bad Cloud didn't stick around to guard my bodyguards.
KADAJ: Spill the beans.
RUFUS: I offer a phony story in exchange for exposition.
KADAJ: Fine. I've wanted to rant for a while. We're gonna attack the planet with Jenova zombies, but we need Jenova for it to work. Simple enough, right?
RUFUS: Nope, I'm still confused.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Not as confused as we are. Is Cloud a zombie? He sure acts like one.
KADAJ: But, sir, surely you've noticed . . .
KADAJ kneels theatrically, like the DRAMA QUEEN that he is, and takes on the visage of SEPHIROTH, complete with CAT EYES.
SEPHIROTH FANGIRLS: SQUEEEE!!!
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Whuh?
RUFUS: That still doesn't answer my question, really.
EXT.-RIDGE WITH THE BUSTER SWORD—DAY
CLOUD: *sniff* Zack . . .
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *sob* Zaaaaaack . . .
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Who on earth is Zack?!
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *knock out the People Who Don't Know the Backstory* It's WHO IN MIDGAR is Zack, thank you very much!
CLOUD has WEIRD MOMENT, like KADAJ just did, complete with CAT EYES.
INT.-MIDGAR CHURCH—DAY
TIFA watches MARLENE act CUTE. LOZ shows up.
LOZ: Who wants to play?
TIFA: Scram, creep.
LOZ: I'm gonna tell Mommy how mean you are, once I find her.
MARLENE skidoos. TIFA proceeds to KICK LOZ'S BUTT in a LADYLIKE FASHION. LOZ resorts to GADGETS to take TIFA down.
MARLENE: *hits Loz with some Materia to save Tifa*
LOZ: Jackpot!
(LATER)
CLOUD finds TIFA lying in the flowers and runs to her.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Ack! Don't step on the flowers!
CLOUD'S STIGMA flares up again.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *wake up* Whuh? What's going on?
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Think of the Stigma as evil midi-chlorians attacking the host's body.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: We'll just give up on trying to figure this out.
The STIGMA gives CLOUD INTENSE SEPHIROTH FLASHBACKS. CLOUD passes out.
FANGIRLS: Good. We're not the only ones.
EVERYTHING becomes SHINING, OVEREXPOSED WHITE. TRIPPY, DRIPPY 80'S MUSIC plays sweetly.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Is Cloud high or something?
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *knock them out again*
EXT.-CLOUD & TIFA'S—TWILIGHT
CLOUD wakes up during an EXTREME CLOSE-UP of his MAKO-INFUSED BLUE EYES.
FANGIRLS: OMG I can see the pores of his skin!
CLOUD: Whuh?
RENO: Dang, you're heavy. By which I mean, you're FAT.
CLOUD: *winces*
FANGIRLS: *snarl*
RENO: What's more, you're careless. You lost your kids.
CLOUD: And I thought this couldn't get any worse . . .
RENO: Well, what're ya gonna to do?
CLOUD: *stares at Tifa*
RENO: Fine, Rude and me will do all the work.
EXT.-THE FORGOTTEN CITY—NIGHT
KADAJ: *absorbs some Materia*
INT.-CLOUD & TIFA'S AND A ROAD—NIGHT
A CONFUSING FLASHBACK SCENE ensues, cutting to and from the BEDROOM and the FENRIR BIKE.
TIFA: Why didn't you tell me you had the Stigma? Do you think you're better off cutting your ties with everyone?
CLOUD: Duh. Loners die alone.
TIFA: Dilly dally shilly shally.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: What? They use phrases from the '50's in Midgar? *duck from the fists of the People Who Know the Backstory*
RENO: Kadaj has the kids. What a revelation.
RUDE: Let's cut to the Forgotten City.
EXT.-THE FORGOTTEN CITY—DAY
DISTURBING MUSIC is VERY DISTURBING, actually.
KADAJ: *dramatizes* The planet is evil. The planet brings pain. The planet must die!
KIDS: How can a planet be evil?
KADAJ: Don't question my logic. Just drink the water that I stain an ominous black.
KIDS: Whatever. *drink the water*
Now DENZEL and the OTHER KIDS have CAT EYES, too. All except MARLENE, because she's just TOO ADORABLE.
EXT.-THE ROAD AND CLOUD'S SUB-CONSCIOUS—NIGHT AND OVEREXPOSED DAY
CLOUD gets yanked off the ROAD to a field of FLOWERS.
CLOUD: . . .
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Is he high again?
AERITH: Finally, I get some screen time.
FANGIRLS AND FANBOYS: Yay!
AERITH: So, Cloud, why are we in your sub-conscious?
CLOUD: I need forgiveness.
AERITH: Then forgive yourself, silly.
CLOUD: . . .
CLOUD gets yanked back to REALITY. Well, actually, it's still not REALITY, but boy, do WE WISH IT WAS.
THE SEPHRITOH WANNABES get CLOUD to CHARGE, then summon the CAT EYED KIDS. CLOUD veers to the side at the LAST SECOND and ends up lying on the ground WEAPONLESS.
KADAJ: See this man?
KIDS: What man?
KADAJ: The one that looks like an overgrown ten-year-old girl.
CLOUD: Speak for yourself.
The FIGHT SCENE BEGINS. IT'S AWESOME.
FANGIRLS AND FANBOYS: Ahhhh . . .
CLOUD, weakened by the STIGMA, falters. A RED CAPE spirits him away.
KADAJ: ARG! That's the second time I should've had him!
FANGIRLS: We feel your pain.
EXT.-FOREST OF GLOWING TREES—NIGHT
VINCENT explains about the STIGMA, but it's still CONFUSING, even for PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY.
FANGIRLS: Who cares? Vincent's cape is the best thing ever. Except for Cloud's hair, of course.
VINCENT: In case you haven't guessed, Cloud, Kadaj wants his “mommy,” Jenova. He'll probably bring Sephiroth back some way or another for a great big battle at the end, because FFVII just isn't FFVII without Sephiroth.
FANGIRLS: Amen!
CLOUD: Kadaj—what IS he?
VINCENT: I suspect he's a crazy evil Gackt fanboy, but I'll keep that to myself.
BUSHES rustle THREATENINGLY. MARLENE appears.
MARLENE: I want to talk to Tifa. NOW.
CLOUD: I lost my phone in the fight.
VINCENT: I'm too awesome for a phone.
CLOUD: But you're not too awesome to be a babysitter.
MARLENE: Stop shoving me off on other people! I need a daddy figure, even if he's about as much fun as Eeyore.
CLOUD: . . .
MARLENE: Fine. I'm huddling by Vincent instead.
CLOUD: Marlene, I can't fight with you here. Kadaj is immune to super-limpid eyes.
VINCENT: Your battle is more than just physical, bub.
CUE THE ENDING HALF OF THE CONFUSING FLASHBACK
CLOUD: Reno, Rude, you go pick up the kids. I'll go wring some more confusing lines from Rufus.
TIFA: Will you just man up already?! All you do is flash back to Zack and Aerith.
CLOUD: . . .
RENO: Go rescue your adopted kids, wuss.
RENO and RUDE leave.
TIFA: Which is it—a memory or us?
FANGIRLS WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: *sigh*
CLOUD'S HAIR gets WINDSWEPT again as he FLASHES BACK briefly to AERITH.
FANGIRLS: *double sigh*
AERITH (V.O.): Then forgive yourself, silly.
CLOUD: Vincent, do you think it's about time for me to reach my emotional victory?
VINCENT: Almost.
CLOUD: Okay, I'll take the first step. I'll spend some quality time with Marlene as I take her home, and then I'm going to end these shenanigans.
MARLENE: Yay!
FANGIRLS: *are jealous*
INT.-RANDOM, VERY DEEP PUDDLE—NIGHT
CLOUD'S PHONE sinks through the WATER. TRIPPY, DRIPPY '80'S MUSIC comes back.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Oh, great, now even Cloud's phone is high. What is IN the water in this movie?
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: You do know the Lifestream's power comes from the memories of the deceased, don't you?
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Whuh?
EXT.-MONUMENT IN EDGE—DAY
LOZ, YAZOO, and the CAT EYED KIDS surround a MONUMENT. An ANGRY MOB yells at them.
YAZOO: Hmm, this place needs more noise. *summons shadow creepers*
SHADOW CREEPERS wreak havoc. NOBODY cares, though, until TIFA appears.
AUDIENCE: Where did she come from? How'd she know . . . oh, never mind. The angry mob probably gave her a clue.
TIFA: Denzel! What's wrong?
DENZEL: . . .
LOZ and YAZOO fool around with CHAINS until RENO and RUDE appear.
RENO: I think a little Subordinate Good Guys vs. Subordinate Bad Guys is in order.
YAZOO: Well, we have nothing else to do. Allow me to open the conflict with a insult to your credibility.
RENO: HIYA!
EXT.-INT.-BUILDING IN EDGE—DAY
RUFUS: Shall we talk about Sephiroth while a flashback reel plays?
KADAJ: Sure. We all know he's got to pop up sometime in this movie. I'm kinda jealous of him. Mom likes him the best. But, whatever happens, it doesn't matter. In the end, we win, you lose.
RUFUS: You mean, WE win, YOU lose.
KADAJ: We'll see. *summons BAHMUT SIN*
EXT.-MONUMENT IN EDGE—DAY
More HAVOC ensues. Meanwhile, RENO, RUDE, YAZOO, and LOZ exchange some rather LAME LINES as they BATTLE.
RUDE: Yo mamma's fat.
YAZOO: How dare you, sir!
TIFA is OUT COLD. DENZEL is furious and tries to attack BAHMUT SIN alone.
MORE GAME CHARACTERS step in to SAVE THE DAY.
VINCENT: Perhaps I'm not too awesome for a phone . . .
CLOUD comes in last.
CLOUD: I feel lighter. Maybe I lost some weight, with all that dilly-dallying.
TIFA: You shut yourself away so people wouldn't know that you went on a diet because you felt fat? Sheesh!
CLOUD: Run along home to Marlene, Denzel. Mommy and Daddy have to go kick butt now.
DENZEL: *scampers away almost as adorably as Marlene would*
TIFA hops on the FENRIR BIKE behind CLOUD.
FANGIRLS: *are very jealous*
THE COLLECTED GOOD GUYS OF FFVII battle BAHMUT SIN.
EXT.-INT.-RANDOM BUILDING IN EDGE—DAY
KADAJ: Now what?
RUFUS: I reveal that Jenova has been sitting in my lap the entire time. Literally.
KADAJ: ARG!!!
CUE INTERCUTTING
One by one, CLOUD'S FRIENDS propel him on his flight to TAKE OUT BAHMUT SIN. It's TOUCHING and FUNNY at the SAME TIME.
KADAJ causes RUFUS to fall, then JUMPS after him.
CLOUD, spiky bundle of GREASED LIGHTNING that he is, already rides his FENRIR BIKE for KADAJ.
KADAJ somehow passes RUFUS in the AIR and grabs the JENOVA BOX. He lands GRACEFULLY without ANY BRUISES and spots CLOUD through DOZENS OF RANDOM PEOPLE. THE THREE SEPHIROTH WANNABES ride away.
THE TURKS, busy with saving RUFUS, do NOTHING to STOP THEM.
EXT.-HIGHWAYS OF EDGE—DAY
CLOUD battles YAZOO and LOZ, then leaves them behind in a tunnel.
EXT.-MOUTH OF THE TUNNEL—DAY
RENO: Hey, Rude, do you think the fangirls will like me more than Cloud if I talk slow, smooth, half-casual, half-provocative, like this?
RUDE: Naw, they'll just think you're flirting with me. Blegh. So shut up.
RENO: C'mon, Rude, cut me some slack. EVERY line in this movie could be construed as flirty.
RUDE: Yeah, right.
RENO: Example #1—“But sir, surely you've noticed . . .”
RUDE: That's just Kadaj.
RENO: Example #2—“Oho, where did you get this strength?”
RUDE: Hey, that one hasn't been said yet!
RENO: Whoops. Anyhow, you get my point.
RUDE: No.
RENO: Drat. What's a guy gotta do to get some respect? Speaking of the devil . . .
CLOUD zooms by on his FENRIR BIKE.
RENO: Maybe I should get one of those. That might work!
RUDE: Stick to wrecking helicopters.
RENO: How about blowing up Yazoo and Loz?
BOOM!
INT.-MIDGAR CHURCH—DAY
KADAJ crushes HUNDREDS OF FLOWERS with his BIKE.
KADAJ: Finally, I get to see my mother's face—what? Just a pile of goo?! *screams in agony*
AUDIENCE: What was he expecting to find in that glorified shoe box—a Barbie doll?
CLOUD shows up, along with some HEAVY MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC.
KADAJ zaps stuff left and right. CLOUD'S STIGMA flares up yet again.
AERITH causes the WATER to HEAL CLOUD and DRIVE KADAJ OFF.
AERITH: There, sweetie. Now the odds are even. Except for a little dip in your favor.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Why doesn't she just save the day already, if she's so powerful?
PEOPLE WHO DO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: That's . . . actually a pretty good question. But this is Cloud's story, so . . .
EXT.-DILAPIDATED OLD SHINRA BUILDING—DAY
KADAJ: Brother, I'm with her at last!
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Genesis Rhapsodos flashbacks!
CLOUD: So what's gonna happen now?
KADAJ: Duh, Sephiroth's gonna show up! But, in the meantime, we'll have it out for a while. Sound good?
CLOUD: You're just a pawn.
KADAJ: Once upon a time . . . you were, too!
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: MOAR references! We can't get enough!
ANOTHER FIGHT SCENE ensues—the AWESOMEST YET.
CLOUD'S FRIENDS show up.
YUFFIE: Yay, let's go help Cloud kick butt!
VINCENT: Kadaj is going to become Sephiroth. That's Cloud's turf, and Cloud's turf alone.
YUFFIE: So, we can help him defeat Bahmut, but not Sephiroth? Even though he's the most dangerously awesome thing around?
VINCENT: That's right.
TIFA: I think Cloud is actually enjoying this.
CLOUD pauses fighting to smile ever so briefly.
FANGIRLS: ZOMG NO WAY!
KADAJ finds himself hanging beneath CLOUD'S FEET, WEAPONLESS. He throws the JENOVA BOX and leaps after it.
KADAJ: I'll just hand the reigns over to His Awesomeness now.
CLOUD: And I'll just watch in frozen horror and do nothing until the last second.
FINALLY, CLOUD leaps after KADAJ. He tries to bash KADAJ to pieces—only to be blocked by SEPHIROTH.
CUE ONE-WINGED ANGEL THEME
SEPHIROTH FANGIRLS: HE HAS RETURNED!!! O, Sephiroth! Our love for you burns like a thousand harbingers of death!
CLOUD: Before we fight, clarify why you're here for me.
SEPHIROTH: I want the planet and everybody on it that's less awesome than me dead. Simple enough, right? *darkens the sky so the movie's coloring is appropriately grey and bleak*
CLOUD: I had a feeling you'd say that.
The FIGHT THAT EVERYBODY'S BEEN WAITING FOR begins. It's JUST AS AWESOME as they'd HOPED.
FANGIRLS: We would swoon a thousand times over, but we're just too excited.
SEPHIROTH: Oho, where'd you find THIS strength?
RENO (V.O.): See?!
RUDE (V.O.): Shut up.
SEPHIROTH: I'll tell you what, Cloud. How about I make you even more depressed and tortured than you already are?
CLOUD: I really don't think that's possible.
SEPHIROTH: It is if I make you kneel.
CLOUD: That's no so bad, actually. I've endured worse.
SEPHIROTH: Then feel free to endure an avalanche of rubble. *hacks off a huge portion of a tower*
CLOUD and his GRAVITY-DEFYING HAIR survives, but though CLOUD'S HAIR is UNSCATHED, CLOUD is not. He flounders as best he can, but SEPHIROTH skewers him in the SHOULDER.
SEPHIROTH: First, I'll take away all that you hold dear. Then I'll take your miserable little life. Sound good?
CLOUD sees MOTIVATIONAL FLASHBACKS and breaks free in a BURST OF FURY.
CUE OMNISLASH VERSION 6.
CLOUD FANGIRLS: WOOHOO!!!
SEPHIROTH FANGIRLS: WAAAAA!!!
CLOUD: Now, you will only exist in flashback form.
SEPHIROTH: In your dreams.
SEPHRITOH wraps himself in his ONE WING and dissolves back into KADAJ. KADAJ flounders pitifully. CLOUD props his head up as RAIN begins to fall.
AERITH (V.O.): Hey, Kadaj, there's room for one more at the party here. Wherever here is.
KADAJ: Mommy! Finally!
KADAJ dissolves into SPARKLIES.
CLOUD: He gets to be with Aerith, and I don't?
YAZOO: Loz and I can fix that. *shoots Cloud*
CLOUD charges YAZOO and LOZ, only to be obscured by an EXPLOSION. CLOUD'S FRIENDS freak out.
EXT. (OR INT.?)-VAGUE WHITENESS—DAY?
CLOUD: Mom?
AERITH: Gosh, does NOBODY have a proper Mother figure on this planet?
ZACK: I'm not sure I like Cloud calling you his mama.
AERITH: This one's a little too big to adopt.
ZACK: What, he's only 5'3'' or so. Um . . . did you say we're ADOPTING them all?
AERITH: Yes, silly.
ZACK: Boy oh boy.
AERITH: See you later, Cloud.
ZACK: Try not to feel bad about getting kicked out of Final Fantasy heaven. It's nothing personal; you're just too emo for paradise.
A RANDOM, UNEXPLAINED WOLF pops up for about the 4th or 5th time.
AUDIENCE: The writers are just messing with us, aren't they?
INT.-MIDGAR CHURCH—DAY
CLOUD wakes up, suspended in WATER and surround by CHILDREN. In a ceremony vaguely similar to BAPTISM, CLOUD heals DENZEL and the other CAT EYED KIDS.
DENZEL sees his BLONDE REFLECTION in the water. CLOUD nods.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Living legacy . . . *cry gallons of tears*
CLOUD spots AERITH and ZACK.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE BACKSTORY: Awwww . . . *cry rivers of tears*
CLOUD: *smiles again*
FANGIRLS: ZOMG THE MIRACLE OCCURS A SECOND TIME!
THE MOVIE ends.
FANGIRLS: Already? *cry oceans of tears*
* * *
There. It is done. What do you think? Which line was the funniest? I need help deciding, because I can't possibly pick a favorite, myself, even thought I wrote it. Maybe it's because I wrote it. Hmmm . . .
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Favorite bits:
"CLOUD: Kadaj—what IS he?
VINCENT: I suspect he's a crazy evil Gackt fanboy, but I'll keep that to myself."
Kadaj is TOTALLY a Gackt fanboy! How didn't I see it before?
"SEPHIROTH: I want the planet and everybody on it that's less awesome than me dead."
Oddly, that both makes perfect sense, and is easier to understand than the movie-logic.
Also, I would love you forever if you made me an "I'm Too Awesome For a Cell Phone" icon of Vincent.
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Kadaj's striking similarity to Gackt (particularly young, blonde Gackt) was the first thing I noticed about him. My jaw was on the floor all throughout the scenes in which he was talking with Rufus. Sheesh, he even moves just like him!
Sephiroth wanting to kill all the less awesome beings was the only way I really could rationalize his MO in my head. Guess it worked. :)
I'm definitely going to make a Vincent icon with that caption! I've been meaning to make a slew of quote icons, anyway. It's just so hard to keep on track when you have a bazillion fandoms you want to icon. LOL.
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